The notion that in everyday life we can do other than meet people as they are today is probably what causes more heartache and disappointment in life than any other.
The thought that one has before marrying that one can “change” another person might be the most obvious. Actually, a search for a perfect mate is probably the biggest optical illusion in our world – certainly our North American world.
When marrying, we try to first meet and then chose a mate with the most compatible traits and experiences. We learn to live with our mate’s opposing likes and beliefs because we love them so much for other traits like compassion, beliefs, sense of humor, intellect and probably because they like doing a lot of the same things we do.
When choosing friends, we should be using a similar process. We pick people we hope would like to be our friends because they have similar interests and intelligence. Perhaps their smile caught our attention. Perhaps they like helping other people. Maybe they have similar beliefs to ours.
When we come to the end of the road and face an open casket of a loved one, friend or relative, it is too late to say, “I am sorry”. It is one of life’s greatest hurts that a person cannot accept that someone sometimes does things they do not like. Who among us is perfect and can expect perfection of others?
There is no university course or degree that enables us to mold others to our belief of what is an appropriate way to live. Parents try to teach their children what is right and what will work in this world. As children mature, their parents have to hope that they did a good job when they were young enough.
Most of us find out that we cannot pick others choices in adulthood. If we do not agree with how that person lives, their hobbies, the things that give them pleasure, we need to step back. It is not in order – if we wish to keep them as friends – to try to tell them how to live their life.
I have some new friends who are teaching me how to make new friends. I do not have to know their life story; I am just meeting them exactly where they are today.
One has an especially pretty smile. Another always extends their arm to help me down steps and sends happy text messages that make me know I am accepted.
Another lady waves to me – just a little tiny wave – when I am up in the choir. I really look forward to her wave!
Another ran out to make sure I had a Bible Study book and another apologized for not giving mugs a week earlier.
These are gentle people. These are people who make us believe we are wanted. We want to reciprocate.
When we try to change others, we hurt them but even more, we hurt ourselves.
Reading dissertations on how I should behave probably is the grimmest task I have had.
Those of us who remember Popeye, know he had the right idea when he would say,
“I yam who I yam.”
We are who we are because of the life experiences we have had. We are not accountable to every person in this world to tell them our life experiences.
I do not ask others their life experiences and they may or may not know mine.
We must interact with people as we find them. We cannot change them – well not on purpose – and we have not had all their experiences. As we build a relationship, we may find we have had some similar problems and delights in our lives. Then perhaps we will become closer friends.
We fail each time we enforce our expectations on others because they must have their own thoughts on what they want. Only they know everything about themselves: where they have been and their experiences. This has shaped them and they know all too well their inadequacies.
Lest we forget that Popeye may have got his line from the Bible:
"God also said to Moses, I am who I am . . . " Exodus 3:14, NIV
